I am happy.
     I think... Yeah, happy.
     But, still... I feel like just completely giving up. This life is too damned hard. I don't know how to continue to deal with everything that happened. I don't want to. Please, God!... Just take the pain away.
      Even when I'm with Ed, it never quite goes away. Even in the height of passion, it's like a sharp, firey jab to my soul. And there are the endless hours where I sit in my little place with nothing but memories of what happened and echoes of what I lost... Lost... In those memories and the whirl-wind of emotions.
     I feel like I'll shatter if I have to do this any more. My heart is still so guarded even though I long to open up to Ed and tell him all about these feelings. I know he sees the sorrow in my eyes every now and then from the questioning look that comes over his face when he catches me in a weak moment. And, when he holds me and I feel like I'll shake apart from joy, there is still this wound in my heart. When he makes love to me, holding me close to his heart as we rock together, I almost feel like I can let go. Not physically but emotionally. I just don't want to hurt him. I know that if I truly let go, I'll start crying. I don't know what his reaction will be and it scares the HELL outta me. What if he walks away, unable to deal with the tears? What if he doesn't understand and thinks I'm crying because I don't want to be with him? What if he just holds me and lets me cry out the rest of the pain? Worse yet, what if he understands and realizes how much I love him and trust him and feels trapped? I would have to truly trust him to let down my walls that far with him. I am so scared of trusting ANYONE that much again. How do I find it in myself to get this all out?